Grilled Cheese and Cupcakes

I think I'm on my way to officially saying E has reached his expiration date - and no, he hasn't died.

If you've been keeping up, you know he hadn't texted me since his first day in Montauk with his daughter. I expected to hear from him sometime around his return, which would've been oh, I don't know, SIX DAYS AGO?! But no, nothing. On Saturday, R convinced me to send me just a regular 'how's your day going' text, and I caved. I missed him, I was around, and I wanted to see him. So I did....and NOTHING. I texted R later that night after I got home to express how frustrated I was only to find out that 1. E was at the pub and 2. his phone had broke and he'd managed to lose all his numbers. My response to all this was, oh for fuck's sake.

I figure, okay, give the guy the benefit of the doubt - send another text and make it obvious it's you, which it was. I mean, who else jokes about studying at the pub and likes to throw around the stupid stuff E's boss says to him? His response? NONE.

You'd think I would just said, fuck it, by now, but no. I'm an idiot. That's not how I operate. Last night, after a particularly relaxing day at a friend's birthday bbq on LI, my friend and I stopped over at a bar to wish a friend happy birthday and then I dashed over to the pub. It was slammed, but E was in the back, facing the back wall, playing cards. The dilemma now of what to do.

I decided to sit at the bar. I didn't want to go over there in case he really didn't want to talk to me, in case he really is over me. Fine, but I'm not going to look like an idiot if that's the case. His friends, who know me, were facing me, so I hoped they'd catch a glance. No such luck. I was preparing to buy him a beer and send it over with R, so that she could tell him a lady at the bar bought it for him. Hey, I thought it was slick. No luck there, since my friend was driving and about to pull up outside. I figured I'd leave R enough money for a beer and tell him I bought one for him...which I was about to do when Slutty McSlutster walked in.

Slutty McSlutster has been around for a while and looks like an absolute wreck. First of all - NOT attractive. Smokes like a chimney, doesn't drink real beer EVER and is always carrying around a Suze Orman self help book the size of the Bible. I'll be the first to admit if a girl is hot, even if I think she's a slut, and this girl is NOT hot and has NO business being a slut. She's been around a couple of times when E and I were there, once when he made it plainly obvious with his hands that he was interested in me, and once when he left her and her lame-ass friends to come and say hi (and you look as beautiful as always) to me. This last one was right around the time I wasn't entirely sure I was interested in him...which I guess would make it no surprise when that Sunday, while NBA finals were being watched at the pub, E first openly flirted with her and second, took her home.

Now, I know E was probably still getting ass somewhere when I was turning him down during our dinners and makeouts. But her? Again? Really??? That's just disgusting. Is he that desperate? I wonder if gave her the same 'I'm going to keep asking you to go home with me until you say yes' line he fed me. Probably not. Probably didn't need to.

I've always said there were reasons why I wouldn't go home with him, and maybe now's the time to dive into that area. 1. I have to be back in NJ every night. Lame, I know, but if I felt so inclined, and I'd work on a plan now, I might be able to find some excuse to stay a night in the city and 2. After my escapade with C, I just haven't been all that excited by sex. It wasn't a bad experience, but it wasn't great at all, especially since I never was really attracted to him. It all just sort of happened. I want to want to have sex, I seriously do. But I feel like that just isn't going to happen until I get drunk enough to get horny enough to agree, and that just hasn't happened yet. And I can't let that happen if I'm going back to Jersey.

Maybe I'm a bit of an attention whore? I don't know. E's recently told me his master plan of turning his life around come January, and I hope he's not expecting me to wait around for then. Back long ago when he was first starting to show interest in me, I asked P if E was actually serious about this or was I one of his million other girls. P told me it was no secret E got around (he's an attractive guy after all), but he would go one-woman for me, if we started dating. P also said that E would come in when I wasn't around ask why P was being such a dick and not helping him out by setting me and E up. P would just shrug and say eh, I don't really think she cares much. When I told P I didn't think it would be a good idea, he agreed. When I was hesitating, P whispered, "Bottom line is, he's 37 and has a kid..but if you like him go have dinner with him." I just can't help but get the sense that P wasn't too keen on the idea of me dating E...and if that's the case, maybe there's some weight behind it?

I honestly have no idea what I'm doing here. HELP!